On a new note....

I think that I thoroughly enjoy this whole Blog thing. It's easier to write stuff down-but it's not so personnal. I appreciate everyone's concerns who read my last blog :-)

THIS blog however, is more about my spiritual contemplation and findings from this past week. Sunday morning in our ward mission meeting, Heath gave our spiritual thought. He shared a scripture from Ether talking about faith and how in order to receive from God, we need to have faith first. We can't test God. It doesn't work that way. I need to have faith that He knows what I need and will give it to me in order to receive from Him. FAITH FIRST.
My second little tid bit is about my scripture reading. It's been awful. I don't think I've picked up my Book of Mormon or my Bible to read in a very long time other than to bring them to church. SO I'm not learning anything new, I'm not feeding myself everyday and I believe that talking to people about the gospel would be way easier for me if I knew what I was talking about. And I have a newfound desire and motivation to read them again :-)

OH! And I really appreciate Institute choir. It's not often that a song can really touch my heart the way "Draw Near" and "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" have. Both of which are found in the Doctrine and Covenants. "Kindness" was the song we sang tonight that is beautiful. Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail, feeling absolutely abandoned by God and he wrote "Where art thou?" The Lord responded: the lyrics of the song are as follows:

"For a little while Have I forsaken thee,
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee,
For a moment.
But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings,
For the mountains shall depart and the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneatht the sea.
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee.
Though thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws of hell gape after thee,
I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee 'neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart and the hills shall be removed and the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
How long can rolling waters remain impure?
What power shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things.
Art thou greater than He?
So hold thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he cannot hurt thee.
And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart and the hills shall be removed and the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea.
But know my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee."

This goes hand in hand with faith, and if Joseph Smith could struggle this much with His faith in feeling abandoned by God, then why in the world wouldn't I have the same struggle? This kind of was a wake up call in a way for me because I know that He won't abandon me, or any of us. He is there and will help us through if we have faith first that He will. "It will be but a small moment."

P.S. You should all come see it performed or visit institute choir to hear it sometime. It's wonderful :)

P.S. I also love coffee-I'm a sinner :-)

Complications

Tonight was quite possibly the most depressing one I've had in a very long time. I've been down for a while, but today tops the list of bad days. My sister came in yesterday and it's so great to have her here! I love her with my whole heart and it saddens me that she and my mother are unsupportive of my decision to come back to church. It really weighs a girl down! Everything wrong in my life right now is due to the fact that I've come back to church. Sure, there have been changes, and not very good ones, but I feel like I'm in a weird transition period and that it'll all even out soon. But I can't see how coming back to church could absolutely ruin my life.
I feel like nobody is going to understand when I say "My sister just didn't feel like coming to church" tomorrow when she doesn't show up with me even though I'm teaching a lesson. There are things I'm willing to do for her that aren't on par with Keeping the Sabbath and fasting. She is a very interesting person and I don't know that I could necessarily describe her "conditions" with people other than she has a lot of anxiety and hates meeting new people and she sleeps a lot, which she obviously hasn't done here because we got up way too early this morning.

Another thing: I moved to Seattle with a purpose. I came here to improve in my art form:theater and THAT has been taken from me too by this evil influence called money-which is also one of the biggest sources of stress in my life and I'm sure other people can relate. However, when you're passionate about something, money shouldn't be the thing that stops you. I went to a show at Cornish in which I knew every person and almost every person in the audience. But I didn't want to say hello to anyone because I wasn't one of their peers anymore, I look different than I did, and I'm certainly very jealous that these people get to go to school where I want to go to school and are doing exactly what I want to do. Why? Because they're luckier than me. It doesnt mean they're all more talented than me, because I know for a fact not everyone going to that school is. I just want to do what I love. I now hate school because it's pointless to have a degree and be doing something that makes you unhappy. I want to quit community college, get some good training for a while and then act, dance, sing, do what I love to do because that helps channel happiness. I also want to move somewhere new without getting shit from my family about "leaving them" and "abandoning them" because I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the hellhole of Tucson, Arizona where there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, for me.

I've been so irritated with EVERYONE today as well. Jenny, I love you dearly, but for some reason I was so irritated with you. I don't know where it came from! And Linda, my dear dear elderly housemate, you also do so much for me, but I hate living in a bed and breakfast where MY life is dictated by how many guests we have! And I also hate being talked at about nothing for long periods of time.

I kind of have a bit of a temper. I enjoy throwing things-particularly my cell phone-when having an upset conversation on the device. The point for my sharing this tidbit is because I tend to also play things out in my head before they happen and I was just imagining myself getting Bubble Tea for my sister and I after church tomorrow and having my mother call me and getting upset and throwing my phone down yelling "God dammit!" and seeing my phone shatter all over the place and being really embarrassed and shocked that I did it...and there is the second scenario where I throw it (shatter) pick up my bubble tea and walk out because I don't want the stupid phone anymore! Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Yes, I like to cuss-but I do a fairly good job at not cussing out loud :-)

A li'l som'n som'n

I've never had a blog before-so I don't exactly know what to do with it. I know it's an online journal type thing, but it might take me a while to really say what I feel and think knowing that people might read it. Allen, you're hilarious, and so are you Derek. Mark, you are super witty and I enjoy witty people because I have a great LACK of wittiness. Something else to Derek-I realized how great you are. Granted, there hasn't been much time invested in "hanging out" or anything, but I have been at your house a good amount of time, and actually plan on coming around more often. So, we should speak and play some Halo ;-) maybe I'll be willing to get better.

Dear MRJ

Something I find very interesting about people, and specifically applicable to me at this moment in time, is how I can care about someone so much when I don't know him very well. I have talked to him a few times, but never really in depth. There have always been people around-most of whom are already his really good friends.

I feel that if I sat with him and talked to him, we might find a lot about each other that is kind of similar. I feel like talking to him would be really easy.

MARK!!!! I read the blog you posted today and I can't begin to tell you how NOT alone you are! I've felt lonliness since I started coming back to church in August. I'm not in the same situation necessarily as you are, but I definately feel alone and that there aren't very many people I can talk to. I too have had failed attempts at trying to re-create instances where God has answered prayers and been left alone and feeling like I'm not good enough or worthy enough to be cared about. But somehow, there is something that keeps me here. And something that keeps me praying and trying to find what I feel like I'm missing.

I want so badly to talk to you and tell you how much people care about you and are here for you. I don't know why when there is a desire so strong in your heart for a relationship with God and to feel His love that it doesn't come. I don't know why you haven't felt it, because I know he doesn't choose who he does and doesn't love. You seem to me, one of the most genuine people and have always been kind to me in those very brief conversations we've had.

So many people love you. I hope that you realize it soon.